Shamanic Death
'The trick is to die standing, to remain awake through death’s grip, to die to oneself and then to be reborn.’
Whenever this happens to me - this shamanic cycle of death and rebirth - it is completely involuntary; no amount of ritual can truly invoke its occurrence and, if I’m honest, I'd prefer that it didn’t happen at all. It’s painful as hell, as it should be; it’s all consuming, and literally feels like im dying, which in a sense I am.
Not physically but instead psychically, mentally and emotionally. In fact it is a complete psychic breakdown. All reference points of knowing and understanding collapse and crumble, much like the Tower in the tarot. All belief systems that I’d previously held so dear, no matter how strong my convictions, dismantle and die.
It is a truly humbling experience.
I have observed that, for me, the rhythm of this shamanic death cycle occurs around every five years. I will be going about my business as usual then things will begin, sometimes quite abruptly, to disintegrate…
No matter how hard I try to stop this process, no matter what energies I invoke or intentions I try to set, my will in these matters is completely ignored by the powers that be. I can wash a thousand times in uncrossing baths, I can smudge myself with half a pound of sage, I can reinforce my commitments over and over but nothing works.
Im so glad that I am reasonably aware of this process when it begins to happen, otherwise I would think I was being jinxed, that someone was throwing brujeria at me, that there was ‘something wrong’ that had to be fixed, changed or averted.
Of course when the process begins I often do all of these things, but to no avail, and it’s at this point I realize what is happening and begin the long, arduous task of acceptance and then finally complete surrender.
It’s quite a petrifying experience, I become more and more incapable of the simplest task beyond walking, eating and sleeping - and even these normal patterns are disturbed as I am thrust into the chasm of the underworld.
Not physically but instead psychically, mentally and emotionally. In fact it is a complete psychic breakdown. All reference points of knowing and understanding collapse and crumble, much like the Tower in the tarot. All belief systems that I’d previously held so dear, no matter how strong my convictions, dismantle and die.
It is a truly humbling experience.
I have observed that, for me, the rhythm of this shamanic death cycle occurs around every five years. I will be going about my business as usual then things will begin, sometimes quite abruptly, to disintegrate…
No matter how hard I try to stop this process, no matter what energies I invoke or intentions I try to set, my will in these matters is completely ignored by the powers that be. I can wash a thousand times in uncrossing baths, I can smudge myself with half a pound of sage, I can reinforce my commitments over and over but nothing works.
Im so glad that I am reasonably aware of this process when it begins to happen, otherwise I would think I was being jinxed, that someone was throwing brujeria at me, that there was ‘something wrong’ that had to be fixed, changed or averted.
Of course when the process begins I often do all of these things, but to no avail, and it’s at this point I realize what is happening and begin the long, arduous task of acceptance and then finally complete surrender.
It’s quite a petrifying experience, I become more and more incapable of the simplest task beyond walking, eating and sleeping - and even these normal patterns are disturbed as I am thrust into the chasm of the underworld.
I am now in the 19th year of my spiritual awakening and with the 20th drawing near, just like clockwork this process has begun again.
For the past few months I have become more and more confused and disorientated. I thought at first that it was simply because I had recently moved from Holland to France, but unfortunately no such luck.
Every magical spell, juju trick or meditational technique I know has slowly become useless, as it so often does when this cycle starts…
I have been in and out of days of deep confusion and depression - one minute I’m ecstatic the next im angry and apathetic.
I journey with my drum, I commune at my boveda and though insights may come, nothing really sticks or holds any weight; no sooner do I think I’ve figured out what is wrong with me than I’m back in the throws of delusion again.
In a recent post I spoke of one aspect of this process and a soul retrieval I performed on myself, yet even that has been unable to stop the downward spiral I am now experiencing, infact its just made me more present to it.
Finally today after many prayers I was given the insight, that once again I am at the mercy of the Gods, as I am consumed in the jaws of the Great Mother ...
For me Samhain is the external initiatory gate into the underworld as the seasons change and autumn wheels its way into winter. This also can be viewed from a microcosmic viewpoint and can be worked internally to enter deep into one’s subconscious and beyond into the Void.
So it is that I am being forced to completely surrender to my own destiny once again, to the death of my current knowing, into the depths of nothingness.
In very practical terms this past week has literally been a nightmare, me and my girlfriend have suffered each others’ failings, my small stepson has driven me almost to the point of insanity, the close contact I feel with my spirit guides has greatly diminished and I can all but remember my name, let alone get on with the practicalities of life.
Finally this morning after my stepson did a flying head-butt into my back I lost it. Thankfully instead of loosing my temper, I quickly asked my girl if they could both leave the house (which they were about to do anyway) before I lost it completely.
Any other time something like this would not be a big deal and instead we would have just rolled around the bed play fighting, as we so often do, but the moment it occurred was the final cracking point in my now frayed nerves, as so many other things had been building lately.
After they had left I went to my boveda and prayed fervently, then grabbed my smokes and headed down to the beach to try to calm down and meditate for a while.
At this point I just felt like screaming, not understanding what was wrong with me, but instead I found a quite spot on the beach, lit up a cigar and once again began to pray.
For the past few months I have become more and more confused and disorientated. I thought at first that it was simply because I had recently moved from Holland to France, but unfortunately no such luck.
Every magical spell, juju trick or meditational technique I know has slowly become useless, as it so often does when this cycle starts…
I have been in and out of days of deep confusion and depression - one minute I’m ecstatic the next im angry and apathetic.
I journey with my drum, I commune at my boveda and though insights may come, nothing really sticks or holds any weight; no sooner do I think I’ve figured out what is wrong with me than I’m back in the throws of delusion again.
In a recent post I spoke of one aspect of this process and a soul retrieval I performed on myself, yet even that has been unable to stop the downward spiral I am now experiencing, infact its just made me more present to it.
Finally today after many prayers I was given the insight, that once again I am at the mercy of the Gods, as I am consumed in the jaws of the Great Mother ...
For me Samhain is the external initiatory gate into the underworld as the seasons change and autumn wheels its way into winter. This also can be viewed from a microcosmic viewpoint and can be worked internally to enter deep into one’s subconscious and beyond into the Void.
So it is that I am being forced to completely surrender to my own destiny once again, to the death of my current knowing, into the depths of nothingness.
In very practical terms this past week has literally been a nightmare, me and my girlfriend have suffered each others’ failings, my small stepson has driven me almost to the point of insanity, the close contact I feel with my spirit guides has greatly diminished and I can all but remember my name, let alone get on with the practicalities of life.
Finally this morning after my stepson did a flying head-butt into my back I lost it. Thankfully instead of loosing my temper, I quickly asked my girl if they could both leave the house (which they were about to do anyway) before I lost it completely.
Any other time something like this would not be a big deal and instead we would have just rolled around the bed play fighting, as we so often do, but the moment it occurred was the final cracking point in my now frayed nerves, as so many other things had been building lately.
After they had left I went to my boveda and prayed fervently, then grabbed my smokes and headed down to the beach to try to calm down and meditate for a while.
At this point I just felt like screaming, not understanding what was wrong with me, but instead I found a quite spot on the beach, lit up a cigar and once again began to pray.
The sound of the gently lapping waves and the faint early winter sun began to calm me down. I took a few puffs of smoke on my cigar and continued to ponder my predicament, fervently praying for guidance. I watched the smoke twirl into the air as my prayers rose to the sky. I bowed my head with eyes closed and asked with all my heart for the spirits to help and protect me.
When I finally opened my eyes I looked down and there lying on the pebbles exactly between my feet was a red coloured medicine bundle. I blinked for a second to see if it was real, and slowly leaned forward and picked it up. To my utter disbelief in my hands was a medicine bag of some strange description.
In that moment I heard the caw of a bird, I looked up and walking in front of me backwards and forwards proudly punching his beak into the air was my old friend the crow. Not once in my two months in Nice had I seen a crow on the beach, seagulls yes, but never a crow. I knew now the spirits were miraculously answering my prayers.
Looking back at the bundle I saw how it had been perfectly wrapped and tied together. Once again I looked at the sky, knowing the odds of this happening were a trillion to one, magic was truly afoot.
However not knowing if this bag was good medicine or some heavy duty brujeria that the ocean had washed up, I very slowly unwrapped it at arms length, ready to drop it back into the sea at any moment, if infact this was a curse of some sort.
I have had things thrown at me in the past and you can quickly tell if something was made with bad intent as you begin to unbundle it, because the negative spirit will try to jump into your energy field and do its evil work.
Of course I didn’t think for a second that it was personally made to jinx me but still one needs to be very careful with such items, especially if the person that made it really knew what they were doing.
This however had a completely different feel to it as I unwound the bound cloth.
At first I thought that there was nothing in it and I was somehow tricking myself into believing this had some kind of magical significance, then as I unbound the last fold of the cloth there in front of me, to my utter disbelief, was a perfectly formed dead baby bat.
I couldn’t believe my eyes that on a day such as this, whilst in such psychic confusion, out praying for guidance on a beach in Nice, that there at my feet I should find a medicine bag with a dead baby bat in it.
When I finally opened my eyes I looked down and there lying on the pebbles exactly between my feet was a red coloured medicine bundle. I blinked for a second to see if it was real, and slowly leaned forward and picked it up. To my utter disbelief in my hands was a medicine bag of some strange description.
In that moment I heard the caw of a bird, I looked up and walking in front of me backwards and forwards proudly punching his beak into the air was my old friend the crow. Not once in my two months in Nice had I seen a crow on the beach, seagulls yes, but never a crow. I knew now the spirits were miraculously answering my prayers.
Looking back at the bundle I saw how it had been perfectly wrapped and tied together. Once again I looked at the sky, knowing the odds of this happening were a trillion to one, magic was truly afoot.
However not knowing if this bag was good medicine or some heavy duty brujeria that the ocean had washed up, I very slowly unwrapped it at arms length, ready to drop it back into the sea at any moment, if infact this was a curse of some sort.
I have had things thrown at me in the past and you can quickly tell if something was made with bad intent as you begin to unbundle it, because the negative spirit will try to jump into your energy field and do its evil work.
Of course I didn’t think for a second that it was personally made to jinx me but still one needs to be very careful with such items, especially if the person that made it really knew what they were doing.
This however had a completely different feel to it as I unwound the bound cloth.
At first I thought that there was nothing in it and I was somehow tricking myself into believing this had some kind of magical significance, then as I unbound the last fold of the cloth there in front of me, to my utter disbelief, was a perfectly formed dead baby bat.
I couldn’t believe my eyes that on a day such as this, whilst in such psychic confusion, out praying for guidance on a beach in Nice, that there at my feet I should find a medicine bag with a dead baby bat in it.
In an instant I felt the spirit of the bat jump from the bundle and into my energetic field. Quickly I scanned myself to feel if this was ok. My guidance felt good, so I allowed it to enter into my auric body.
It swooped swiftly around inside me. I watched with my inner vision as it tuned into negative energies patterns inside me and then went about cleansing me spiritually with its wings and the high frequency sounds it made.
This went on for about 15 minutes as my new found Allie worked through my energetic field cleansing me of any blocks or negative bundles.
Finally the energy began to settle and I immediately went to the ocean’s edge and passed the physical remains of the bat and bundle over my body, asking that all negativity be banished from me, and then quickly threw it back into the sea, giving thanks for this amazing shamanic synchronicity and its blessings.
On arriving home I immediately took out my shamanic drum and began to journey, in an instant the spirit of the bat was there as it took my consciousness down deep into the underworld. I will spare the details but basically it showed me my predicament, that once again I am deep in the void of unknowing, that I am going through another shamanic death cycle, that I am not yet reborn, but instead I am cloaked in the veils of the abyss, waiting for the dawn of rebirth and renewed understanding. It also communicated that I was to rededicate my drum and other shamanic tools for the next phase of shamanic work (it has been completely impossible to work lately as I have been going through such a deep transformative process myself) and until then I was to wait and trust the process.
It swooped swiftly around inside me. I watched with my inner vision as it tuned into negative energies patterns inside me and then went about cleansing me spiritually with its wings and the high frequency sounds it made.
This went on for about 15 minutes as my new found Allie worked through my energetic field cleansing me of any blocks or negative bundles.
Finally the energy began to settle and I immediately went to the ocean’s edge and passed the physical remains of the bat and bundle over my body, asking that all negativity be banished from me, and then quickly threw it back into the sea, giving thanks for this amazing shamanic synchronicity and its blessings.
On arriving home I immediately took out my shamanic drum and began to journey, in an instant the spirit of the bat was there as it took my consciousness down deep into the underworld. I will spare the details but basically it showed me my predicament, that once again I am deep in the void of unknowing, that I am going through another shamanic death cycle, that I am not yet reborn, but instead I am cloaked in the veils of the abyss, waiting for the dawn of rebirth and renewed understanding. It also communicated that I was to rededicate my drum and other shamanic tools for the next phase of shamanic work (it has been completely impossible to work lately as I have been going through such a deep transformative process myself) and until then I was to wait and trust the process.
I eventfully returned from the journey, but not spiritually - I am still at this very moment suspended internally in darkness. I rededicated my drum in smoke, tied a very old buffalo medicine bundle I have to its interior, relined my drum bag with sweet grass and sage, and placed it on my ancestral altar for blessings.
The bat spirit is still in me working its magic, opening and realigning my spiritual force. I feel like the hanged man in the tarot, suspended upside down, awaiting restoration and renewal - much like a sleeping bat in its cave.
I don’t generally like to read about the meaning of totems from books etc., as I believe that each spirit carries its own individual meaning to each person, but I did find it interesting what Jamie Sands says of bat medicine in her Medicine cards.
The bat spirit is still in me working its magic, opening and realigning my spiritual force. I feel like the hanged man in the tarot, suspended upside down, awaiting restoration and renewal - much like a sleeping bat in its cave.
I don’t generally like to read about the meaning of totems from books etc., as I believe that each spirit carries its own individual meaning to each person, but I did find it interesting what Jamie Sands says of bat medicine in her Medicine cards.
Bat Medicine
Bat embraces the idea of shamanistic death. The ritual death of the healer is
steeped in secrets and highly involved initiation rites. Shaman death is the symbolic death of the initiate to the old ways of life and personal identity. The initiation that brings, the right to heal and to be called shaman is necessarily preceded by ritual death. Most of these rituals are brutally hard on the body, mind, and spirit. In light of today's standards, it can be very difficult to find a person who can take the abuse and come through it with their balance intact.
The basic idea of ancient initiations was to break down all the former notions of "Self" that were held by the shaman-to-be. This could entail brutal tests of physical strength and psychic ability, and having every emotional "button" pushed hard. Taunting and spitting on the initiate was common, and taught him or her to endure the duress with humility and fortitude. The final initiation step was to be buried in the earth for one day and to be reborn without former ego in the morning.
This ritual is very similar to the night of fear practiced by natives of Turtle Island.
In this ritual, the shaman-to-be is sent to a certain location to dig his or her grave and spend the night in the womb of Mother Earth totally alone, with the mouth of the grave covered by a blanket. Darkness, and the sounds of animals prowling, quickly confronts the initiate with his or her fears.
As the darkness of the grave has its place in this ritual, so does the cave of Bat.
Hanging upside-down is a symbol for learning to transpose your former self into a newborn being. This is also the position that babies assume when they enter the world through the womb of woman.
If Bat has appeared today, it symbolizes the need for a ritualistic death of some way of life that no longer suits your new growth pattern. This can mean a time of letting go of old habits, and of assuming the position in life that prepares you for rebirth, or in some cases initiation. In every case, Bat signals rebirth of some part of yourself of the death of old patterns. If you resist your destiny, it can be a long, drawn out, or painful death. The universe is always asking you to grow and become your future.
To do so you must die the shaman's death.
{Source: Sams, Jamie and Carson, David. Medicine Cards}
steeped in secrets and highly involved initiation rites. Shaman death is the symbolic death of the initiate to the old ways of life and personal identity. The initiation that brings, the right to heal and to be called shaman is necessarily preceded by ritual death. Most of these rituals are brutally hard on the body, mind, and spirit. In light of today's standards, it can be very difficult to find a person who can take the abuse and come through it with their balance intact.
The basic idea of ancient initiations was to break down all the former notions of "Self" that were held by the shaman-to-be. This could entail brutal tests of physical strength and psychic ability, and having every emotional "button" pushed hard. Taunting and spitting on the initiate was common, and taught him or her to endure the duress with humility and fortitude. The final initiation step was to be buried in the earth for one day and to be reborn without former ego in the morning.
This ritual is very similar to the night of fear practiced by natives of Turtle Island.
In this ritual, the shaman-to-be is sent to a certain location to dig his or her grave and spend the night in the womb of Mother Earth totally alone, with the mouth of the grave covered by a blanket. Darkness, and the sounds of animals prowling, quickly confronts the initiate with his or her fears.
As the darkness of the grave has its place in this ritual, so does the cave of Bat.
Hanging upside-down is a symbol for learning to transpose your former self into a newborn being. This is also the position that babies assume when they enter the world through the womb of woman.
If Bat has appeared today, it symbolizes the need for a ritualistic death of some way of life that no longer suits your new growth pattern. This can mean a time of letting go of old habits, and of assuming the position in life that prepares you for rebirth, or in some cases initiation. In every case, Bat signals rebirth of some part of yourself of the death of old patterns. If you resist your destiny, it can be a long, drawn out, or painful death. The universe is always asking you to grow and become your future.
To do so you must die the shaman's death.
{Source: Sams, Jamie and Carson, David. Medicine Cards}
I thought this very fitting for what I am going through at this cycle of my spiritual life. I am functioning minimally right now but at least I realize through receiving bat medicine today that once again I am at the precipice of death and transformation. It isn’t easy, I got a girl and child to support and at times like these I can hardly walk down the road, let alone do consultas etc.
However, I trust implicitly Creator’s plan for me, and when the time is right my soul and psyche will re-emerge refreshed and reborn. I will have once again garnered greater power and spiritual force in my life, realizing that it is not of me but through me that it manifests, and I will be able once again to help with even greater efficiency those who come to me for healing and guidance.
‘Of myself I am nothing, you are that which breaths life into me.
I am surrendered to your will and at service to your desire.’
‘Thy will not mine be done.’
However, I trust implicitly Creator’s plan for me, and when the time is right my soul and psyche will re-emerge refreshed and reborn. I will have once again garnered greater power and spiritual force in my life, realizing that it is not of me but through me that it manifests, and I will be able once again to help with even greater efficiency those who come to me for healing and guidance.
‘Of myself I am nothing, you are that which breaths life into me.
I am surrendered to your will and at service to your desire.’
‘Thy will not mine be done.’
